


The Depths of My Soul

by QueenOfBlackIce



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Advent Calendar, BlackIce Week, M/M, Tentacles, Virgin Jack, not for long biiiitch, snow dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 04:41:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1102525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfBlackIce/pseuds/QueenOfBlackIce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Many years ago, Pitch Black saw the birth of an ice spirit and instantly fell in love. It took him 300 years to work up the courage to approach the boy, but it was completely worth the wait. Even if 300 years turned the boy a little soft in the head...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Depths of My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> *shows up 3 months late to blackice week with starbucks*
> 
> Minions. This is first and foremost a birthday present for the lovely Rhapsodii http://sodii.tumblr.com/   
> 2nd. Since I am the monarch and amazing I declare this as submission for the last blackice week and the entire advent calendar. Yes you heard me. You got a problem with it? U can go suck one. hah. 
> 
> Anywho! For the loyal: please enjoy this latest masterwork. Audience comments left in for 'effect'

OK

ONCE UPON

A FUCKING TIME

THERE WAS A SUPER DEPRESSED SPIRIT OF FEAR, BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING WRITE FOR ANY OTHER FANDOM BECAUSE I SUCK SHIT

Sodii: HAHA

and this spirit of fear was all 'omg guys i'm so sad because i killed a lot of fucking people and wreaked havoc across the galaxies and shit

Queenie: (i am totally not drunk. why are you even asking. you are the drunk one)

WELL SO ONE DAY, THIS SPIRIT OF FEAR, NAMED PITCH BLACK, BECAUSE THAT IS THE MOST ORIGINAL NAME EVER AND ISN'T JUST GLEANED FROM SOME STUPID PHYSICAL ASPECT OF FEAR AND DARKENESS AND BOOGEYMEN

Sodii: Omg ur drunk laffs

said to himself 'I'M NOT SO CRAZY ANYMORE AND NOW I'M SOOOOO RONERY'

Queenie: shut it birthday girl! i had a terribad day so i'm compensating with makin u laff. or at least try it  
Queenie: imma try dis shit

OK SO PITCH F'ING BLACK WAS LONELY AS TITS  
I FEEL AND EMPTINESS WITHIN IN  
ME*  
he said

and contemplated his imprisonment upon this hellish earth with great care  
and he contemplated for YEARS  
until  
ONE DAY

ONE SUPER COLD, RIDICULOUSLY COLD, WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO DAMN COLD, DAY  
he happened upon...

a super sexy winter sprite!

like WOAH MAN  
he is so cute. how can u be so cute. this is not fair. why do i have a giant beak for a nose and you look like an angel

and he was JEALOUS  
so he never approached said sprite but watched the poor sap from the shadows

Sodii: LOL  
Sodii: A beak for a nose I'm crying  
Queenie: FUQIN RITE U R  
Queenie: lol i am so sorry for myself XD

ALRIGHT, SO ONE DAY  
ABOUT 300 YRS LATUR  
MR. BLACK WAS HAUNTING AS PERUSUALY  
PER USUAL*

Sodii: HAhA

AND HE HAPPENED UPON A MYSTERIOUS SCENE  
there was his cherubim in white dressed like a god forsaken punk  
snuggling up  
to  
a  
SNOWMAN  
with a bottle of vodka

Sodii: HA

nuzzling his face into the 2nd ball of the thing's torso  
mumbling...wat?

well he approached and hid in the snowman's shadow and listened

Sodii: Jack is me

'ok. okaaaaaayyyy, esmerelda. i know you have a cold hart....but so do i. canchu just give me a chance?' he slurred

'i totally dig ur frosty smile. i mean woah. u r so chill, guuuuurl'

'i could totally tap dat. i mean....if ur willing, i ain't gonna force you. i ain't like other guys....'

Sodii: Jfc

so pitch, on a wild and dangerous whim  
went in all girly voice: 'OH JACK. YOU WOO ME SO. PLEASE TAKE ME!'

and jack GASPED  
omg! his snowangel was talking back!  
300 years of being ignored and invisible  
and finally  
FINALLY  
his magic has worked miracles!  
he had  
a  
GURLFROND

jack LEAPT TO HIS FEET AND HUGGED THE SNOW WOMAN SHOUTING' OH CLARICE I LOVE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL PLEASE BE MINE!'

and pitch replied  
'YES OF COURSE MY COLD HUNK OF CHISELED ICE!'

Sodii: HAHA

ok ok ok  
so MASSIVE FLIRTING LATER  
jack tries to stick his dick into the snow  
and pitch has to bite his tongue till its bloody to not laugh at the kid

Sodii: I'm crying

and jack ends up  
WAILING  
on the ground  
all

Sodii: Dyifihghhgufyhct

'NOOOO JOSEPHIIIIINEEEE I HAVE FAILED U I AM THE WORST LOVER IN THE WOOOORLD I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE BECAUSE I AM WHAT HUMANS CALL A VIRGIN AND I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM WHAT SEXUAL INTERCOURSE MAY EVEN ENTAIL!!!!111!!ONE!!!!'

Sodii: Yukubtujtivfjv  
Sodii: SCREECH

and josephine whispers in his ear: 'no jackie my little snowflake. u r perfect, u r winter, u are my soul and light and life and all that is good in me...'

Sodii: Fuckin

and jack gasps  
'BEATRICE!'

Sodii: Jfc

'WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE A *MAN*?!?!?!?!'

and pitch is all  
OH FUCKING SHIT I FORGOT

so before jack can get to his feet and find his staff

Sodii: But it's Jude laws voice so jack turned gay

pitch WISKS HIM AWAY INTO THE DARKNESS BECAUSE DAAAAAMN

Sodii: HaHAHA  
Queenie: yep  
Queenie: jack is totes gay for british accents  
Sodii: Hahaha

BUT JACK PANICS!

'ROSEMARY WHERE DID YOU GO?! WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO THE BEST PART!'

and pitch sooths him  
'shhhh my pet hte best is yet to cum'

Queenie: hur hur hur  
Queenie: 'pun intended'

'oh my marguerite you are DIRTY!' jack chuckles

and suddenly  
SHADOW TENTACLES  
WRAP AROUND HIS LEGS  
AND JACK FLIPS OUT LIKE WHAT THE FUCK SNOW CAN'T DO DIS SHIT

OH WAIT HE'S NOT IN HIS SNOW NOW HE'S IN DARKNESS  
'WHERE AM I?! WHO ARE YOU?!' HE SHOUT  
S

and pitch replies  
'i amm THE PITCH BLACK BETWEEN THE STARS'

and jack is dumbfounded because  
wtf  
that sound so damn cheesey  
who wrote dat????

Sodii: FRICK  
Queenie: hur hur hur

AND WHILE JACK CONTEMPLATED THE IDENTIDITY OF HIS SNOWY SHADOW MISTRESS  
pitch RIPS HIS CLOTHES OFF!

and jack shrieks like a victorian virgin  
OMG WHO DID DAT?!

Sodii: Tyhfyjfhbch

AND JACK FLAILS

and pitch can't manage to keep his hold on the brat!  
and jack falls right out of the darkness and into  
a  
BED! OMG

and beds are things jack has never experienced because he is a lonesome snow flirting idiot  
and never managed to get past a a closing door somehow? what an idiot

maybe he is restricted to being invited into houses like vampires? he's fucking scrwed that way, he;'s ficking invisible

SO BEDS ARE A NOVELTY AND HE GROANS IN PLEASURE BECAUSE NOTHIG SO SOFT HAS CARRESSED HIS SKIN IN 300 GODDAMN YRS

Sodii: I'm weeping  
Queenie: GOOD  
Queenie: WEEP MORE

OK. so while jack is all wrapped up in foreign textures

pitch is all  
YIS NOWS MY CHANCE  
I CAN DEBAUCH MY STALKERY LOVE LIKE I HAVE ALWAYS IMAGINED!

and he goes for the fucking GOLD

and nakey jack is like  
ALL READY FOR THE TAKING

but pitch  
spreads his legs  
and gets his loob  
and goes for the condoms and

suddenl  
y

SUDDENLT

JACK REVOLTS!  
HE TWISTS AND WRIGGLES OUT OF HIS GRASP

Sodii: WOH

AND BEFORE PITCH CAN TAKE ANY RETALIATORY ACTION

JACK IS FUCKIN ONTOP OF DAT BLACK MASS OF SEXY SHADOWS LIKE AN AWARD WINNING BULL RIDER

Sodii: FUCK

PITCH IS FLABBERGASTED  
WAT  
WHO  
WHEN  
HOW DID THE BRAT DO THIS. HE IS LIKE  
FUCKING  
9 YRS OLD  
WAT  
oh wait

Sodii: HAHAHA  
Queenie: age kink is erica. u like age kink?  
Queenie: because hot damn  
Sodii: Sure yes  
Sodii: Lol  
Queenie: lololol

OK SO PITCH IS LIKE OMG WAT I AM A KING HOW DARE I BE PINNED

AND JACK IS ALL  
FUCK WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS THIS CREEP UNDERNEITH ME

Sodii: HzAHA

and jack is just confused. how did he even get here. where did antoinette go?

he PINES for his frost lurv

but  
BUT

wow

now that he looks  
this shadow man  
is HOT

who knew a schnoz the size of fuji mountain would be so hawt?  
he certainly didn't

gray skin seemed vaguely unhealthy  
but who was he to judge?

and man those TEETH  
someone needed a retainer. badly  
but maybe...  
they would be fun to cut his lips on....

Sodii: HA

AND SO HE DID  
AND THE TWO OF THEM KISED AND BLED AND OUCH FUCK THAT HURT UR TEETH ARE SHARP

ok ok

and then  
jack pinned pitch down  
going  
UR NAME SHADOW SPECTRE

ad ptich was like omg wat?

u know my name

NO REALLY I DON'T WHO THE FUCK R U  
WHYD U MOLEST ME WITH TENTACLES  
WHERE  
R  
MY  
CLOTHES?!?!?!

ok ok but then? but THEN pitch was all

Sodii: I enjoy this love story haha

OMG U CAUGHT ME

and jack was all NO FUCKIN SHIT IWAS FELT UP BY SHADOWS AND I'M NEKKID WTF MAN

Queenie: OK FINE  
Queenie: SINCE U GOTTA SLEEEEEP  
Queenie: LONG STORY SHOTT  
Queenie: SHORT

JACK PINNED PITCH LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH HE IS  
AND BANGED HIS BRAINS OUT  
AND PITCH HAD NO IDEA

WHAT IS THIS

WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY

I AM COMPLETE!

MY SNOWFLAKE I HAD ONLY DESIRES TO DEBAUCH YOU!

BUT THIS????

THIS IS HEAVEN AND HELL AND GLORY AND DDEMISE ALL ROLLED INTO ONE

I AM IN LOVE WITH U AND WINTER AND LOVE ITSELF AND I AM A DELUDED FOOL

AND THE SHADOWS HOLD NO QUARTER ON MY HEART

TAKE ME AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL I AM A WOOBIE EYED MESS OF A MAN

AH ME OH MY JACK FROST YOU HAVE FROZEN MY RECTUM AND MY SOUL IN THIS INFINITY OF LUST AND DESIRE AND ETERNAL SUFFERING

I BLEED TEARS AND WAIL BLASPHEMIES OF YOUR NAME FOR I AM POETIC WITH UR DICK  
-the end-

 


End file.
